Kaj-anne: Float #5

The first hour started with a practice of affirmations and some tapping of my skull, breastbone and other acupressure points on my body. I watched myself dissolve into the water and then woke up when I “arrived” in sensation and consciousness of specific areas of the body.

Sacrum – gut – chest – head – hips and eventually a bright FULL BODY awareness that lasted a fraction of a second… but felt like a large bell ringing from the center of me outward.
then thinking – then watching – repeat.
This first hour was probably the most effortless and full of joy floating I’ve had yet. My trusty companion neck pillow and I deep sea dived into the darkness
“and I exhaled into the darkness as he exhaled into me”
I woke up or came to convinced I was transformed into a woman’s body – I was convinced I had long blonde hair, lady hips and a graceful soft version of me. I ran my hands and the illusion was altered when I noticed my involuntary arousal. This didn’t change my altered sense of gender, just reminded me what body I was born into.
– And what is a body? What is gender while you’re floating? What is masculine and feminine while swimming in the void? When you’re close to zero does it matter what is between your legs? Or even what you have installed in your head? Our bodies are not just the meat we dance in, the skin we work in, the bones we walk on. Our bodies extend, they exist in the memory and perception of others. Our image exists on the internet replicated on social media and in photo albums. Our bodies exist in the faces of our mothers and fathers, our children our brothers and sisters. Our DNA is swirling amongst a whole human family reflected in unique and complex ways… a billion times over. Where does ego, the sense of I and the large sense of self AWARENESS intersect in the body? Is that what we call or sense as energy? Is that what we arrive at when we float? Our bodies exist over time, we are born, we live, we die. The float tank is very WOMB like. It… if looked at with a sense of humor is also tomb like. wombtomb. A place where we are created and destroyed.
someone stop me before I write a thesis-
I stepped out of the tank for a bit. grabbed some water and came back into the room.

I stood in front of the little mirror and stared into my eyes in the dimly lit room. I’ve done this self-staring practice for years. After a moment my eyes relax and I start to lose the image in front of me. Other faces, morphologies and guises emerge from the structure of my face.

Again, what is a body? My body is a reflection- I  see myself seeing me lalala
I get frustrated that my eyes involuntarily twitch right before I feel I’ll fall into myself on the other side of the mirror. Eventually, I breathe deep enough and the sense of separation between images disappears and I could reach out and shake hands with myself. This state of looking isn’t just in my eyes, it is full body and in my gut. The natural buzz from the float helps this intensify.
I break the spell of staring and do a really nice deep sun salutation next to the tank. My left hip is screaming at me for some love, so I give it the tough love of a deep lunge.
I climb back into my wombtomb and get comfy.
I’m in a Julie Taymore movie. Titus – a brief dipping into cinematic float space. Maxilla bone vibrates, I make love to my neck pillow friend (with my mind) and it’s been 30 seconds of rapid fire hi-saturation color blocking photoshoot superstar music video  and I hear the wake up music –
It had been a half hour and it went by in hyper speed.
This was the first time I stayed all the way in til the music came up.
And not a drop of salt in my mouth!

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