*Alert: parent-child trigger- Mom and Dad, I’d strongly advise skipping this post- it may make you lose sleep over my car accident 8 years ago… Seriously, just give me a call instead 🙂
Writing afterwards is always a navigation of so many returning layers I normally take for granted. Visual field pulsates, shimmers, adjusting to external input. Words give form to the brain, like my own name.
Float ends with me thanking the water- thank you for holding me like I know I am held.
After this morning’s session that brought up so much I tried to swallow about my car accident 8 years ago, it came up in a safer way in the tank, the 7 or 8-second flashback that looped thousands of times a day for months, hundreds for a year or more. In the darkness I allowed myself to remember something I had pushed down- that we hadn’t just spun in the car, but we had actually been airborne, without orientation, in chaos, for a good second or two, or eternity, as we flipped and made our way to land upside-down with the tail of the car barely making the fence, which prevented us from being crushed inside. My first real encounter with the imminent likelihood of death and its ultimate inevitability. I stared into it, while spinning.
Stretch, open, find my way through the incredible tension in my hip and shoulders. I don’t need to be angry about it anymore.
Funny, the overlaps of chaos, the void- the physical matrix can be drastically different: suspended, upside-down in a wrecked car in stark stillness after 70mph, shocked into the sudden fact of being alive, tasting blood dripping off the face to prove it – or cozy and warm in the smooth cavern of the womb, uninterrupted from source —
but either way, we are in the dark with no way clearly up,
funny how hard it is to let go, to stop doing
when there is nothing to do but be held
It’s a practice not to feel disappointed when gravity, pain and pressure return to my hip- but it’s just a sensation. I wrote nearly this exact same thing in my first float- so there’s something; being ok/at home even with no change/relief.
Filming next week. Themes are clear: evolution, setting down burdens/layers, natural movement, pulling the center of peace out into the storm of the world. Lenses of reality, flow stopping w/ staccato hit, flowing again. Shots- curling hand, closeups of water, edges.