“Life is a grand creative project and self-expression is essential to you. Express yourself, always. Divinely. Exceptionally. Grandly. Utterly. Darkly. Lightly. By self-expression we venture further into ourselves. And by venturing further into you, you can’t help but become transformed.
When was the last time you ventured down there?”
and, Herman Hesse:
“Man is not by any means of fixed and enduring form. He is nothing else than the narrow and perilous bridge between nature and spirit. His innermost destiny drives him on to the spirit and to God. His innermost longing draws him back to nature, the mother. Between the two forces his life hangs tremulous and irresolute.”
When was the last time you were okay with not knowing?”
Closing paragraph, from the same page:
“Even in the boundless realms there need be a boundary laid, for how would you understand the beauty of the realm were it not dualistic and set up in the language of boundaries? Light/dark. Hot/Cold. Sleep/awake. Conscious/Unconscious. Boy/Girl. You/Me.”
(The above, from here.)
Tonight I’ll ask a question. Something about uniting seeming-dualities. Launching forward, moving beyond. Birthing, being birthed. Let it come.
(1.5 hours of sleep after last night’s float… felt pretty normal all day…!)
How to heal/whole pericardium?
Just before stepping in: body feeling tired, ready to release/give in, anticipatory, young
Today was getting the message not to use earplugs tonight even though I use them every time. Got lots of ear infections as a kid, and in the past few years when I’ve gone in water without earplugs, one of my ears will inevitably close up entirely. Started out this float with them in—then they both started leaking so took them out. Now, sure enough—my entire left ear is clogged. Can’t hear anything out of it. Didn’t notice it during the float. Last time this happened was last summer when my friend and I jumped in the ocean. Now it happens again on the day the same friend leaves from visiting here.
First float of the project in the Ocean tank. After so much ocean-ness in last night’s float.
Another interminably long session though was very calm the whole time (took a nervine tincture beforehand). No mind chatter really. More the boredom that kicks in about halfway through.
Now that I’ve remembered there are no rules I let myself move around when I get bored. Even sitting up! My favorite is moving from the crown of my head and curling my spine all the way almost to each hip on either side. Just moving the spine.
Got out 1.5 hours in to ask for a bit more heat—in the larger, more cavernous tank felt cold and exposed most of the time.
Lifted legs out this time, feeling the gravity. Big heavy legs.
Sky’s just starting to lighten outside. Very aware of left inner ear. Whole left channel. What is the medicine in this?
Not sure what to say about this one. Got a sense of a wrapping-up of a section or chapter, entering into something new… something richer. Like this time it was a spacepod again, a transport, a birth canal. A waiting room?
Lesson of accepting what is. Allowing each experience to be unique, itself.
Trying out the giant flute Jordan brought. Don’t care about clogged ear when I’m playing music. This is important.
Tonight’s eclipse as point of connection
Theta waves = in-between state, that moment between waking and dreaming that we experience for a few moments every night… floating prolongs it
Two days later and left ear is still clogged. Interesting experience: very, very aware of internal world. Almost like body is now the float tank. Relevant to exploration of seeming-duality, left/right, masculine/feminine.
When I got out of the tank the other night felt like I was acting very strange/regressively. Told J. “it feels like I only have half a brain!”
Also have been staying up until sunrise the past three nights. Everything in-between.