Kirsten: Float #3

11 PM.

Friend just posted on Facebook:

“The child will not mind the shadows on the wall if he is given the candle and shown how to make them dance up and down.”

(Dr. Edward Bach, 1932)

BEFORE:

Had plans all this afternoon and evening and then, with the blessing of those the plans were with, stayed home instead. Every cell says relax. Which, given the past few floats, seems to be a good idea. This afternoon I’ve been playing with dancing, feeling of floating in this day-to-day gravity.

It’s been so good to read everyone else’s float blogs. Helps shed so much more light on what’s going on, this exploration that, to me, feels at the same time deeply personal and deeply collective.

Interested in diving deeper into the need for stimulus/letting go of that need. Terrified, I’m realizing, of that much letting go. What could be on the other side?

Then casting aside the fear. Because one must, sooner or later.

The feeling of sitting on a mountainside listening to the wind, the sky huge above, the fresh good air. Or at the ocean. Or under the stars.

AFTER:

Love this color (turquoise pen). What a different float from last time—many similarities and so different. Was very aware (whoa, peppermint and jasmine tea is an… interesting combination) beforehand of my state. Felt like the float actually started earlier this afternoon, at home—as an experiment to see what kind of difference it would make, going into the float more intentionally (vs. biking there in a bit of a last-minute ungrounded frenzy). There’s only so much control we have over what comes up, yet we can be aware of how we deal with it.

Took a hint from Estelle and let myself explore the tank from the inside at the beginning, learning the boundaries, becoming familiar with the space. Was in the same tank as last time—of course—re-entering the space that had kind of scared me last time. This time it felt more familiar, like a friend. Still with its mysterious places. Felt so quiet, spacious, was such a relief to have my mind quiet. Once in a while little thoughts, to-do lists, came up like bubbles from the deep. Did a gratitude practice since I was heart-up, wide open, receiving.

Going in, my primary intention was to listen to and learn from my body, to be curious, to learn my body’s beautiful secrets. Soon into it I felt like I was in outer space only like the back half of my body was in a substance of space and my front half was open to and moving into the void. The substance part held me and I felt like I was its extension—I’d say “like water” but it was even more elemental, as though I’d entered into pure yin/yang space.

Played with that later on, moving my hands and arms in and out of the water very slowly—pushing them down into the water first, feeling the resistance as though pushing against a magnetic force—then letting them drift up to the surface, then lifting them out of the water into another realm, lifting them higher and away from equilibrium, they felt heavy, pulled down—then let them come back to center. Middle way, meeting place.

Later it occurred to me that I was really suspended between heaven and earth.

What else… moved around a lot, bending legs, stretching quads, going into baddha konasana my feet would sink to the ground and touch, be the only thing touching ground as my body was horizontal. Sensation of that root, like I was a plant with a root connecting me to ground.

Lots of very soft sensations, physical feeling of water on skin, safe—this afternoon an affirmation came through: “I am safe. I am held. I am protected by my ancestors. I flow for the next seven generations.”

This feeling—water on skin, soft, held—was so simple and so powerful.

Feeling of the tombness of it was there again, moments of it feeling very stuffy, closed-in. Also like it was a place in which I could let go of all the little holdings and controllings, physical and mental—to essentially “die” to all that in order to be reborn. Every moment.

Lots of motion and stretching in just hands, wrists.

NECK PILLOW changes everything. To have the spine relax and lengthen…

One very sudden moment, early-ish on, of suddenly snapping into a profound stillness. Literally like an electron jumping orbit. Witness remained, was aware as it was happening.

Much easier to remember to bring attention back to the breath, let thoughts go as they come. Really appreciated what Wren wrote about feeling slightly guilty for letting the thoughts go/turning attention back to the breath. Recognizing my tendency to do that, which made it easier to let it go.

Got a little impatient near the end, really got in touch with that part of me deep deep inside that was always checking the watch, making sure everything’s happening as it “should,” checking time—breathed all that up, exhaled with gratitude—no longer needed. Again, the resistance to that—what lies beyond it? In the space it opens up, what appears?

Little surges of emotion coming up, tiny releases throughout the float. Clearing out the far-in nooks and crannies.

At the end, as soon as I thought “I’ll be in here for half a school day’s length,” the music came on.

As soon as I got out, found my feet. Realized it’s crucial to remember that step. Like landing on a new planet, or getting off a boat.

Film idea: holding camera upside down… camera above solar plexus, rotating camera

NEXT DAY:

Just experienced an emotional purge of something I’ve been carrying for at least 14 years (and echoes, tributaries, for even longer). Crying, screaming into a pillow, memories from high school, past connection(s), roots of so many things coming up right now (travel, dance, intoxication, true beloved soul-connection, expression, theatre, physics, genius, cosmos, Pan, wildness, everything—and negatives, too: using others, rape, manipulation, too much caretaking, deriving nourishment from drama). Wow. Of course. Jai Ganesha, thank you for removing these obstacles.

So sweet, so bitter, the letting go. Old stories, even the most beautiful jeweled-in-the-dark ones.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s