“Don’t quit before the miracle.”
Went in with intention to receive what wanted to come through.
B., at dinner: “Astronauts are shamans.”
MOST. EXCRUCIATING. FLOAT. YET. Even more so than last time and longer. At beginning, was very interesting—could hear my digestion, bones popping, lots of body sounds carried and amplified in the water [edit: looking back, it was entertaining, too; like diving or hovering in the ocean while a pod of dolphins play and make sounds around me]. Realized that would be an interesting way to do sound for the dance rather than coming up with a whole elaborate musical score—recording/gathering tracks after every float, put them together, see what happens.
Later, an irrational fear came up that I was going to be electrocuted in the water! It stayed for what felt like a long time, half hour or so (is that a long time? Quantum space time is stretchy). Kept bumping into the pipes and thermometer cord at the end of the tank and freaking out, feeling of being tangled in it or that it would hurt me. Like weeds at the bottom of a pond. Wondered if I had any distant relative, and I think I do, who had to endure electroshock therapy. Will ask Dad. Kept with it, breathing, would experience little moments of relaxation but finally had to get out, dripping, get my glasses, turn on the light, get my headlamp, and literally check to see that all was well. It was. Noticing my urge to judge myself for that right now, related to hypervigilance as a child, checking the doors at night to make sure they were all locked. Echo of sadness about that as I write it, moves through, is gone.
Very interesting were the moments where I’d start to go off into dreamstate and my body would jerk suddenly and I’d come back. The jerking was never in the same place or limb. Left leg, then later whole left side, or right foot… but my consciousness, it seemed, stayed constant, like a light through a tunnel. Like it was the body, and the attention, that needed to come back. Also as though the jerking was a “reset.”
The more day/night-dream states contrast with other states I’d go into, 3rd eye visions. Early on: a sort of multidimensional skull spirit, with eyeballs, related somehow to the pelvis from the last float but in the multidimensional spectrum, whereas the pelvis was more of a day/night-dream quality, third dimensional-ish. Other visions, shapes, hints—jeweled structures. They’d fade and I’d be back to feeling very uncomfortable in the tank. Called in Reiki guide finally and felt like I was receiving Watsu—and suddenly all these memories of C. came up and I just let them come, breathed. Sadness, tears welled for a moment, didn’t realize at all that I’d still been carrying feelings from that time.
Kept wanting the float to be over, considered getting out early, wondered if they were keeping me in there for extra time. Moments of relaxation, but never actually fell asleep. Body would shake/wake every time. As if I had to be present for what was coming up. Wow. Have no idea what this means for the dance. Stillness. Body sounds. The jerking, yes. Let myself move more in this one. Played with toning during the more tricky and visionary states, noticing hints of the images/manifestations focusing, changing the shapes that appeared—the way water molecules change form with sound, emotion.
Did a full-body scan in the middle of the float, which was interesting. Noticed tendency to disassociate from certain areas after a few moments. Don’t remember details now, but very distinct and different images/feelings came up with each part and chakra, though they were connected as well, part of the same sea.
There was also several moments of the feeling of individual pin-pricks on different parts of the body, one at a time, localized electric-feeling tingles, almost like acupuncture.
Now I do feel a much more complete sense of my body, a connectedness and spaciousness.
Received in email tarot the next morning:
When this card appears in the present position it tells you that there is no point in attempting to interpret the world through “normal” means. Our interactions with others will yield unexpected insight. Life itself is likely to gather itself up and treat us in a different fashion that in ordinary mundane life. It is as though cracks appear between the fabric of this world and the next which allow us brief but illuminating understandings that will serve us well in the days to come. Try to step back from life when the Priestess represents your present. You will see and understand much more comprehensively.